brianna (shelikesclots) wrote,
brianna
shelikesclots

fooled you, right? so i was going to post a clear linear summation of my life but then my brother was reading this journal aloud and i realised that i've never been so humble and am instead the type to sob and mosn at length over the smallest of papercuts. so here goes with the semi-abstract bullshit. except not because i'm kinda tequila-sleepy.

there is a fucking beetle on my arm wtf.

so maybe i'll be around. i'd love to hear to from you guys but i know that's a longshot because nobody's watching my shit anymore. and maybe i should make the effort to read my friends' page but fuck that, the majority of you bore the shit out of me, if i remember correctly.

oh i guess i'm not making friends here, huh?
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i actually really like to read your shit but you're never around and rarely post.

so.

post more.
oh fucking goddamnit i've tried to reply to this twice and it hasn't worked. this is my last attempt so hopefully it works!

i don't know you well (or at all, really) but i've been interested in you, yr life or maybe just your perspective on it. on the rare occasion i visit this site i always open yr journal in a seperate tab, just to see if you've posted. but it seems that you're similar to me in that you don't give much of yrself but prefer to observe. i wonder if it's for the same reasons?

i'd post more but i get so tired of my own navel gazing bullshit and it's so hard to know if it makes even the slightest of impacts on others. in the end, what's the point if i'm just recycling the same old angst that everyone's been through? does it just reinforce my self-pity? ah, who can tell.
in order for me to feel like posting here again, i would need to delete the shit i've written & most of my friends & start from a different angle. i sort of lost my way here.

i don't know how to give much of myself to this journal. maybe that's your issue - maybe you're trying to give too much when really all you need to do is scrape the surface. remove the occasional scab but for chrissakes stop digging.

i like how you write, like you don't give a shit who's listening because half of what you're saying is bullshit anyway. i'm inclined to believe you but i've always enjoyed trying to figure people out.

if you're done with this journal, then you're done. you can't force this shit. but if you're not, post more. i don't know much about you, either. change that.

y'know i think you're very right in saying "you don't give a shit who's listening because half of what you're saying is bullshit anyway." there are very few rl people who read this journal and i remember feeling distinctly uncomfortable the first time one of them found it, not to mention how i felt after my mum told me she'd read my journal (including locked and private posts because i left myself logged in fml.) in the end, i was able to realise that as long as i was being as truthful as i could be about myself, everyone else's judgements and views could only be context to the story i write about my life in my head. maybe this is just a load of wank because i've been doing cognitive therapy recently but for a long time it became really important to hear outside opinions or reactions to what went on in head. most of the time i don't really trust myself as a judge.

however, there's a very large and aggressive part of me that doesn't care. it's become more apparent as i've got older (i'm 30 now so i have wisdom or some shit) and certainly the cementing of a few long-term friendships has helped, that i feel the desire to be so honest with people that it's nearly offensive. strange, because that's really a very childish notion.

why would you need to start again? i have gone through periods where i've regretted how much i've revealed but after time i've always been able to deal with it. when the sky didn't fall and nobody hated me i kinda dealt with being raw in front of people. it's a nice feeling, somehow.

i just read this back and realised how patronising and lecturing it comes across. i really didn't mean it in that way; i'm very curious about yr view and don't really know you well enough to assume you know my point of view/experiences.
i really wish you hadn't blanked yr journal. idk, maybe you moved on to some place else but i feel sad about it. you were always intriguing to me.
I missed your posts. I've definitely become an LJ lurker and rarely post anymore. Not sure why. Maybe FB killed my desire, or maybe it's just because my life is so mundane I don't want to bore the shit out of anyone else.
gah! i removed the other day because i thought you'd left lj! glad to see i was wrong! i've just re-added you btw.

everyone's life is mundane in some sense but it doesn't mean it's not interesting or worth hearing about. i always felt quite charmed by you and thought of yr posts as a bright spot on my friends' feed. how are you and yr man doing? hope you're both well and content!
Heh, no I'm still here. Just lurking. I feel so boring, my posts would bore even me. Maybe I'll try to get back into it.

We're doin alright. Bought a house, want to try to have babies soon but I got laid off a few months ago so that's on hold. Work work work most of the time. Now that I'm no longer heavily involved in drugs, sex and partying life seems sorta dull. I'm hoping kids will liven that up a bit.

Are you on FB? If you wanna add me I'm at facebook.com/jenniferaileen. Most of what I have to say is easily summed up in a few sentences there lately.

Take care, and I look forward to reading your posts again.
this reply is so ridiculously late! i'm going to add you on fb even though i'm terible about keeping up with that as well. despite that, i'm interested in keeping up some form of communication with you!

i hope things are going well for you- drugs, sex and partying are fine in their place but are shallow, in the end pretty much everyone's aiming for what you've been working towards, a stable life with someone you love.

msg on fb if you wanna chat! i almost never check my feed; i only look at msgs. i'd do it but i don't want to be intrusive. i'd be glad to hear from you though!
Hi...I drift in and out of LJ-land and yours is one of the usernames I remember from way back.