brianna (shelikesclots) wrote,

hey hey hey blank slate

This is your heart, maybe. This is you, pushed back and self-silenced.

Wouldn't it be nice if people loved it? Or even liked it a little bit? If they knew how hard and difficult you are and wanted you anyway.

If you could be selfishly proud and sure of yourself and they would still love you. If that was possible.

There's only so long you can call yourself an iconoclast before you realise that in the eyes of the world you're just a bitch. Just a difficult bitch who won't shut up.

My grandmother wouldn't shut up, yelled herself hoarse over everything she disagreed with. I love her for that, am so envious, but everyone disliked her and I'm just not that brave. I don't have the stomach for that kind of hatred. I want people to like me. She wore her opposition like a badge, spat in your placating face because it was more terrifying for her to be silent and conform.

I want to be that cute girl who makes people feel good. I want to be sweet and lovely and wanted. I want to be there, in your group, maybe not in the centre, maybe off to the side cos I'm a bit odd but there, a part of it.

People don't want girls like me, not that they don't want to fuck me or conquer me- but they don't want to be around me. People don't want to be friends with someone like me. People don't like me.

(How many times have you bit your tongue, swallowed your words? How often have you shut up because you know no-one really wants to hear you?)

I think that might just be higher amongst females. That's just a fucking hunch I have.

People don't like me.

I'm not likeable, too cocksure, too aggressive (too masculine). I don't want to hurt your feelings but I will tell you you're wrong and I am smart (educated) enough to do so. I don't think you're stupid but I don't know how to convince you of that. And it's always more important that I'm right than that you feel good about yourself. I wish you could like that about me. I wish you could shrug it off as just a quirk of mine. I wish I was better.

I'm not nice, can't pretend to it. I don't want to hurt people but I just can't shut my mouth. I can't stop arguing; I can't be easier; I'm not nice and can't pretend to be. Most of the time all I have is my pride and I'll fight over it, I'll always try and beat you.

And I think you should know, you have to know, that it always, always hurts me more than it does you.
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