brianna (shelikesclots) wrote,
brianna
shelikesclots

A couple of months ago my mum tried to talk to me about the sexual abuse I'd gone through as a child, wanting to have some base for it. A starting point to talk about it, y'know? I get it, I want that for her, the ability to talk about it, not so much for me but for my sister. I want her to be able to deal with it, I don't want her to punish herself.

She never knew, my mum, she had no idea because we hid it. I don't know my sister's motivation but I just wanted to avoid hurting her, my mum. Young and stupid, I thought I could hide it forever; I thought she'd never have to know.

I hate that she knows about me. I'm glad that my sister's experiences are known because she needs that. My sister needs the support, she needs it to be out there. She needs all of us to remind her that she's worthy, she's not tainted, she's beautiful, and that she's loved

I don't. I don't need that. Not at the cost of my mother. It breaks my fucking heart that my mother knows that I was fucked as a child and that she blames herself. I needed her protection then but I don't now.

There's nothing she can give me now but regret and I've got enough of that for both of us. What can she do now to make it better?

She tells me she loves me: I know she does
She tells me she's sorry: I know she is
She tells me she'll protect me: I know she can't
She tells me I'm beautiful: I know I'm not

When I was a child I might have believed her (maybe she would've believed herself) but I'm grown now and I don't need that from her.

The truth is: the world is full of shitty things and mostly there's no avoiding them.

The truth is: no-one can really protect you from those shitty things, they're gonna smack you in the face regardless, but sometimes it's enough that they try.
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Tags: things that matter
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